Mother’s Day recap

Brian! You have called me out on my shameful, shameful lack of updatin’!! Ridiculous!!!

It’s all good though, we are moving along, everyone putting one foot in front of the other… Progress, progress, slooooowww and steady… sigh… it’s good…

Mother’s Day was approaching, whoooooboy was I a little grump, watching and worrying and wondering what it was gonna be like… ya’ll, I am having to adjust to some major changes around here, good Lord, it happened so fast, the way my girls shook out their wings and took flight…. they forgot I was standing so close behind them and FWAPPED me in the FACE with those damn wings!!! I took quite  a beating!

So we were trying to make plans to go to the lake, and it was shaping up to be cold, wet, and dreary… sigh… I just couldn’t get into the cottage thing… plus I couldnt’ figure how to get all my kids with me and still be with my own mom… So I did what I always do, I internalized until I damn near exploded…

And then we got up on Sunday, and the girls both came over and we piled into the van, all of us, for the first time in a long time, and headed to the lake. And we did stuff like this:

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Flower Childe and Miss O, HA! That is soooooo so O! She is a pip!

and some of this:

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That’s Beane, lookin’ beautiful, and hoggin the baby again… sigh… my Beane… sometimes I just pray, God, help me say the right words, govern my tongue…. what are the right words… I bumble around her, bumble stumble oops… get nervous, I talk too fast, I have too much to say, too much information, I don’t want to overwhelm, but know that I always am overwhelming,  I drop stuff, I forget stuff, I never look her in the eyes any more, she is strange to me, she feels like… she’s not mine., like I lost the connection, like she doesn’t want anything from me, like she doesnt’ trust me and I don’t trust her… and both of us with good reason… when she hugs me it feels like obligation and dismissal, okay, you may go now, is what her hug says, thanks, but go now… and I do, I go, I slink away, feeling… just… dismissed… like okay I have served my purpose.. or not, I have failed, just go, you may go…

That part could stand some improvin’…

She mostly just slept the entire time at the lake. It’s okay, there’s always an excuse, she had a tooth ache,  whatever, her meds, whatever, just so she doesnt’ have to talk to anyone, I guess. .. I should be grateful she was there. I am, but it’s just so… hard.

She and Flowerchilde don’t speak. There is a wall between them, each with her own part in building it… It’s a pretty thick wall. I know, because I have to sit on top of it and dangle one leg over each side. VERY uncomfortable. I’m like some kind of Humpty Dumbass, ha ha, that pleases me, not so much LIVING it, but envisioning myself as a teetering egg person in short pants and bow tie… pleases me…

And my children, they did so many beautiful things for me, Beane brought me a gorgeous,  sparkling teal necklace and earrings set, it was so perfect, and SO me, I wore it 3 times already!  I wore it on Mother’s Day, as I already had on a teal sweater, how did she know? Franki went with me to pick out flowers the day before, so she and Zack got me yellow merigolds and purple petunias, and the most gloriously thick ROSEMARY, I want to just plant a whole bed of rosemary and roll in it each morning… sigh… rosemary…

Zack made me a pink card with graphics in computer class. Flower Childe stayed up all night working on a water color sugar skull, she knows I love Dia de los Muertes stuff…

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It has rhinestones!!!  Sigh… I am rich… Plus she brought me a box of bonbons from Anderson’s, and two chocolate lollipops, a triceratops, and a cupcake!  Here’ s my loot:

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Strawberry Whoppers!  chocolate cupcake!  Le sigh…

and then Franki tried to slay me with a poem:

Wonderful

When I think of “Wonderful”, I think of you

Because I deeply appreciate the fun in which you create

And although we go through our troubles and woe,

You make us feel like “shining happy people, whhooooaaaa…”  (this is in reference to R.E.M. song)

Because you bring me up, by being as funny as our pup

So when I think of “wonderful”, I think of you

And I thank god for having a wonderful mother

And I thank  you for being a wonderful mother.”

You see what they do?!!!! They are trying to kill me! How can I have this much love… and this much pain… and this much joy and tears and laughter and struggle and immense pride… it’s all too much sometimes, my heart has been through so much…Life… lately…

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